I've Moved...

not sure who still reads my ramblings...but i've moved and you can now find me here ... my existence continues...

Since turning 31

9 months. That's how long it's been since I moved to Seattle. It's significant because it's the same time it takes for a fetus to grow in a womb and I feel as though something has been growing in me. Changes have taken place in the depths of my soul and I feel like I'm ready to deliver something new (I know, it's very new agey and vague). At the same time, my first year at Mars Hill is coming to an end, quickly. I still can't believe that I've made it this far. There's so much to speak to, and I don't know that I can quite capture what has taken place with mere words. I'm afraid that I will fail to communicate what I feel and what I know has changed in me.
I sat in my last practicum today and as I looked around the room, I couldn't help but think of where I was last December. I was literally fighting to either stay with the change knocking on my door or continue to live like I always did, and always feel as though something was missing. I looked around the room and saw the stories represented, courageous souls who've fought over the last year for their lives and the lives of those in group. I thought how privileged I was to be a part of this process to watch "salvation" take place, to think of the tragic places we were coming from and see redemption unfold right in front of us. God, that's something we rarely get to witness, but I've had that privilege.
At the beginning of the year, I made this promise to myself to take ownership of my life. A battle I've engaged in the last 4 months. I've felt empowered to find my voice, to allow myself to feel and say what I was feeling and not try to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. But it has also been exhausting to constantly remain aware of places I was falling back to my 'old way of life'. I've come to understand the many areas where I have the option of taking ownership of my existence, and that in itself has been a challenge.
Taking ownership of my life and existence has meant sitting across from my friend Stacy and telling her that I wanted her in my life, no, I actually need her in my life, a challenge for a person who has never needed to need people. Taking ownership has been noting patterns in the type of men I attract and realizing that I'm tired of the pattern and I want to change and even though I don't know what the change will look like, I've made the decision to stop and not blindly follow a man just because he expressed interest in or saw my good qualities. Taking ownership has been admitting times of loneliness and being able to sit in those times and not settle for anything less. It's humbling to admit that you are lonely, again especially if you've tried your whole life to make people think your life is together. Taking ownership has been admitting how much I crave for care from my parents, something I've never allowed myself to feel. For the first time in my life, I have this gaping hole in my soul to be in the presence of my parents.
In a nutshell, taking ownership has been 'showing up' in places I always thought were too difficult to show up, admitting things I did not want to admit, holding on to hope when the easier alternative has been to settle for something lesser than, it's a constant reminder to myself that I am worth what is good and generative and re-generative. That here and now, the Kingdom of God of taking hold of my life, if only ever slowly. And I'm trying to follow the second Adam.

On Turning 31

I'm 31 and 1 day old. Nothing phenomenal has happened so far, considering that I've been in my apartment all day. But like I did when I turned 30, I'm absolutely thrilled to be 31. I think it's great to grow old and see a progression in my becoming a well rounded human being.

For my birthday, my friend Kevin threw me a breakfast dinner. It was absolutely amazing. The meal consisted of homemade cinnamon rolls made by Kim, muffins, eggs omelet with cheese and red peppers, bacon, sausage and my favorite part....mimosa's. It was truly the best homemade breakfast I've ever had. Best of all I had my good friends who truly celebrated my being alive and I felt unbelievably special, considering that I've known most of the people for less than a year.

Here was the surprise for me. All of my gifts came from the men. A first for sure. My friend Kevin and his boyfriend Andy, gave a gift certificate to Anthropologie, which I can't wait to use. My friend Mike made me a bag made out of a basmati rice sack, which is so cool and uncliched. My friend Tim gave me a soccer ball and a litte bag with goodies form Burt's Bees Wax...and they came in a box that had the Kenyan flag drawn on it...which made it even more special. And then Jason, who's friends with Kevin gave me flowers. I was so blown away by how 'personal' these gifts were...I'm not much for cliched gifts, and I guess that's why I so surprised at what these guys gave me. I felt absolutely loved and so special, but more importantly that someone has paid attention to who I am.

My friend Mike asked me what it meant to turn 31 and the one word that came to mind was 'ownership'. My goal is taking ownership of my life and the choices I make from henceforth. I feel like that will be the theme of the year. It's so easy to live life and just let it happen for it's sake, but it's another thing to know that I own my life, my choices, my dreams, my hopes, my fears, my weaknesses and strengths and knowing what do with them.

All to say, I'm glad to turn 31.

Fight or Flee

So I had this whole blog entry written, or at least had been working on it for the last two days, until I heard Peace Of Mind by Mindy Smith. I could have sworn she knew exactly what I would feel at this point in my life. In a nutshell, I'm at a crossroad...I can either choose to fight for my life or let it steamroll over me and not care as to what happens. I'm still deciding what road I'll take and hopefully it will be to fight for it. But like Smith so simply put it...

I need peace of mind
and a hopeful heart
to lose this rage
and move out of the dark
I ain't looking for rainbows
or shooting stars
just some peace of mind
and a hopeful heart

I need a peace of mind
and a lullaby
cause theres an angry voice
in my head tonight
tellin' me to do things
that can't be right
I need peace of mind
and a lullaby

and a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul

I need peace of mind
and gentle hand
as I try to change
the way I am
and God forgives me
when I can't
I need peace of mind
and a gentle hand

or a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul

I need peace of mind
and a hopeful heart

And then there was the End...

So my first tri-semester at Mars Hill has come to an end, but the end hasn't been easy. The progression can be illustrated as starting with excitement and an idealization of what this new chapter of my life would mean for the future to a slow progression that's escalated to a place of pain, anger, uncertainty and questions that at this point seem so huge I have no idea how the answers will come about.

I mentioned this in the last blog that my first thoughts when I started Mars Hill was that it would be about being reminded about who God was, in turn I found out that I needed to be reminded of who I was. This last part has been the most surprising experience of being here. But in some sense it makes sense because my whole life I've always focused on the 'other person' to unhealthy degrees that I have slowly lost myself in the process. The discovery of this loss of my voice, person, whatever you want to call it has made me feel uncertain about the people that I have in my life at this point and as a result I've pushed most of them away with two exceptions, but I can't and/or I'm not willing to process why I've done that at this moment.

What I'm more interested in is the idea that in discovering who I am, the fact that I am created in the image of God, not only frees me to live my life fully, but at the same time, it might be a way understand God. Lately I've wondered what it means for me, an African, a woman and a singer/songwriter influences how I see God. I've been challenged by ideas presented by theologian Jurgen Moltmann about what it means to be created in the image of God, but no one ever told me that being created in the image of God could be seen through the aspects I've mentioned above.

What does it mean to be an African and to believe in God even though missionaries made it very clear that we were savages and didn't have the faintest clue about God? What does it mean for me, a woman, to have faith in a God who's always come in Male form, when I haven't felt myself represented in the God-head? What does it mean for me to be a singer/songwriter and to engage in my gifts without feeling like I need to write worship songs in order to show my devotion and commitment to God?

So this only leaves me with more questions than answers. Sometimes I want to go back to being a child and see the world with such innocence and trust, but I guess I can't. I'll be 31 in exactly 30 days as of today, something I still can't believe and if life will turn out like it has so far, I think it will not turn out like the picture I've had in my mind. I'm trying to let that go slowly, the idea that life will turn out like I've hoped or wanted, but I'm also trying not to lose all hope. I'm trying to walk that balance between not holding on too firmly to my dreams and not letting them all go...and that's a tricky thing.

Who Will Take Me?

When tectonic plates shift in the core of the earth, depending on how major the shift is, we are able to physically see that through earthquakes, tsunamis etc. It's the evidence that something beneath the surface is going on. That's how my life feels at this point, but the shifting that's taking place hasn't been major yet, or at least I'm working very hard at making sure there are no catastrophic explosions taking place.

When I first came to Mars Hill, I was coming from a very exhausted lifestyle. I worked in a job I didn't really care that much about, so any change sounded great. I'd also been warned that Mars Hill would be an intense experience, and I figured I moved to America when I was 19 and have been able to take good care of myself, how hard could it be?

I also remember writing earlier how I thought that the reason why God had brought me to this place was so that I could be reminded of Him, what I didn't know was that I would first have to be reminded of who I was. I had to be reminded first of the life, through so many seemingly harmless choices, I had chosen to live. But I also had to be reminded of what life could have been if I had dared to be 'present' and 'engaged' in the choices I made. This has been the most difficult part of my experience so far. So much so, that I have started to slowly shut down because I don't know what to do with what is taking place in the core of my being.

Surprisingly, I've been craving for my parents. Something I've never done in my life. I started being independent when I around 10 and have been like that for the past 20 years, so my parents were never a major part of my life unless there was something really huge that only they could accomplish. The irony in all of this is that part of my make up is influenced by how they raised me, how they reacted and responded to me so I would have naturally expected, like so many other students are going through, to experience anger or bitterness towards them, but I'm not. I want them so bad. I want my mom to sit next to me and just hold me. I want just to feel the presence of my dad in the room and know that nothing wrong will happen to me. It's all I want and need, but they live in a different continent. I want to express this to them, but I've never expressed my need for them, so it feels so unnatural and I'm afraid I'll feel foolish after I've told them how I feel. So for now I'm just holding it all in, something that hasn't really worked well for me, at least that's what I'm discovering right now.

I'm holding so much, somewhere around 20 years of just shit. I'm afraid that I'm a walking time bomb and any moment now I will go off and then??? I don't know how to be angry because I never learned how to, I always shoved it down to the bottom of my heart, but I think it's filling up or it's already full, hence the fear that I'm a walking time bomb. I've always, always, always, taken care of other people, it's almost second nature to me. But I don't know how to be taken care of, so when people try to do that right now, I just want to tell them to fuck off, but I'm a coward, so I give them the cold shoulder and hope that they will eventually get it that I don't want to be bothered. I don't think people know what to do with me. I've always been the pleasant girl, I smile like there's no tomorrow, I flirt endlessly, I'm a happy person. But now that I've turned to this dark person, I can feel it. People are walking around me doing some sort of dance, which I have to say is fucking annoying. Just fucking tell me what you see instead of asking the same cliched 'how are you? fuck that.

What tomorrow holds? I haven't the faintest clue. But this is where I am. Who will take me?

My Repentance

Lately, I've found my tongue bound by a battle that's increasingly unsettling my soul.
I want to bleed these words so others can see what to them might be an imaginary wrestle.
Until I have found my true voice, I must borrow what others have written...


The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.